I don’t want to keep these feelings bottled up inside me anymore, so I’m letting it all out once and for all.
I am in love with someone who once loved me but not anymore. I got attached to someone who wanted nothing to do with me. It’s been 8 months since we fell apart, and thinking about it still does make my heart sting. I was left hanging. But it didn’t matter, I didn’t stop loving him, up until now. I am still holding onto something that already slipped away. But I couldn’t put the blame on him, choosing to stay was my choice.
Something’s still up between us, I thought. I thought we were still loving each other behind close doors, but turns out, it was just me who keeps on loving all along. I tried to consider things from his point of view. I thought he needed time to think, so I gave him. I didn’t demand anything. He could take all the time he needs,
I will wait for him; no matter how long it takes.
Anyway that’s what he wanted me to do, and I was okay with it. I can wait; I just need to know that he’s not going to wake up one day and feel differently. I don’t want any thing that I invested in him to go to waste. So..
“I need to know where I stand.” I told myself. I didn’t want to settle with I-will-know-it-eventually anymore so I didn’t miss on the opportunity to ask him if he still has feelings for me. I wasn’t prepared enough to ask the question so I was worried if I could handle the answer.
“I still have feelings for you.. but... (Some text missing)” he said
Thank God it wasn’t a “No.” but it somehow felt like it. It sounded horrible, and hearing him say it felt really upsetting. I honestly didn’t see that coming, it got me speechless; I didn’t know how and what to respond. But still, I managed to keep the smile. Having to pretend it doesn’t hurt at all is what hurts the most.
I thought knowing the answer would make it easier for me to figure out my next action. But no, it got me confused even more. I, still, have no idea on what I should do. No, wait… Actually, I know EXACTLY what I SHOULD do. It’s just I don’t want to do it. I gave myself some more time to think. I was still (kind of!) convincing myself that he loves me– maybe he just got little confused when I asked the question, I don’t know. And that, undeniably, was one of the foolish things I’ve done to myself. How much pain do I still have to go through until giving up is okay?
All along I thought he needed time for himself. Until one day I found out he’s already into someone else. All signs point to yes, he (clearly) doesn’t like-slash-love-whatever me anymore. It felt like my heart had been stomped on. Getting your heart broken actually makes your heart physically hurt, that, I conclude.
There were things I wanted to tell him.. But I knew it would hurt him.. So I buried them, and let them hurt me. But I wish he knew; I wish he knew how I feel about him/us. We should have stopped pretending long time ago and simply just told each other how we really feel. By that, I could at least be clued in to what had gone wrong (/what changed his mind). But no, he refuses to tell a single thing about what he truly feels. I wanted to know the truth coming directly from his mouth, but he chose to remain silent.
I spent the whole night of December 28th thinking.. just thinking. I thought of conveying my thoughts on paper but hours have passed, I am still staring on a blank page. Until I realized I don’t want to waste time anymore; I am so tired of writing about the same thing over and over again. I am so tired of hoping and waiting for something that would not happen. I need to stop giving myself false hopes. I became conscious of the fact that it is already me who’s hurting myself. And I’ve been hurt enough to still hold on, and letting go is the only left option.
No matter how much I want to go back to how we used to or no matter how much I wish things between us to stay the same, it’s not going to happen. I’ve never loved anyone as much as I love him, and it hurts to think that ‘that love’ needs to come to an end. It hurts when something good ends, but I think it hurts even more to still cling to it, knowing it’s not there. I’ve had enough. And I think it’s safe to say that I’m following what my head tells me this time.
I’ll miss you, J. Take care.