Ako din….

..NOW I FELL WITH THE WRONG ONE. AGAIN.

I don’t want to keep these feelings bottled up inside me anymore, so I’m letting it all out once and for all.

I am in love with someone who once loved me but not anymore. I got attached to someone who wanted nothing to do with me. It’s been 8 months since we fell apart, and thinking about it still does make my heart sting. I was left hanging. But it didn’t matter, I didn’t stop loving him, up until now. I am still holding onto something that already slipped away. But I couldn’t put the blame on him, choosing to stay was my choice.

Something’s still up between us, I thought. I thought we were still loving each other behind close doors, but turns out, it was just me who keeps on loving all along. I tried to consider things from his point of view. I thought he needed time to think, so I gave him. I didn’t demand anything. He could take all the time he needs,
I will wait for him
; no matter how long it takes.
Anyway that’s what he wanted me to do, and I was okay with it. I can wait; I just need to know that he’s not going to wake up one day and feel differently. I don’t want any thing that I invested in him to go to waste.  So..

I need to know where I stand.” I told myself. I didn’t want to settle with I-will-know-it-eventually anymore so I didn’t miss on the opportunity to ask him if he still has feelings for me. I wasn’t prepared enough to ask the question so I was worried if I could handle the answer.

I still have feelings for you.. but... (Some text missing)” he said

Thank God it wasn’t a “No.” but it somehow felt like it. It sounded horrible, and hearing him say it felt really upsetting. I honestly didn’t see that coming, it got me speechless; I didn’t know how and what to respond. But still, I managed to keep the smile. Having to pretend it doesn’t hurt at all is what hurts the most.

I thought knowing the answer would make it easier for me to figure out my next action. But no, it got me confused even more. I, still, have no idea on what I should do. No, wait… Actually, I know EXACTLY what I SHOULD do. It’s just I don’t want to do it. I gave myself some more time to think. I was still (kind of!) convincing myself that he loves me– maybe he just got little confused when I asked the question, I don’t know. And that, undeniably, was one of the foolish things I’ve done to myself. How much pain do I still have to go through until giving up is okay?

All along I thought he needed time for himself. Until one day I found out he’s already into someone else. All signs point to yes, he (clearly) doesn’t like-slash-love-whatever me anymore. It felt like my heart had been stomped on. Getting your heart broken actually makes your heart physically hurt, that, I conclude.

There were things I wanted to tell him.. But I knew it would hurt him.. So I buried them, and let them hurt me. But I wish he knew; I wish he knew how I feel about him/us. We should have stopped pretending long time ago and simply just told each other how we really feel. By that, I could at least be clued in to what had gone wrong (/what changed his mind). But no, he refuses to tell a single thing about what he truly feels. I wanted to know the truth coming directly from his mouth, but he chose to remain silent.

I spent the whole night of December 28th thinking.. just thinking. I thought of conveying my thoughts on paper but hours have passed, I am still staring on a blank page. Until I realized I don’t want to waste time anymore; I am so tired of writing about the same thing over and over again. I am so tired of hoping and waiting for something that would not happen. I need to stop giving myself false hopes. I became conscious of the fact that it is already me who’s hurting myself. And I’ve been hurt enough to still hold on, and letting go is the only left option.

No matter how much I want to go back to how we used to or no matter how much I wish things between us to stay the same, it’s not going to happen. I’ve never loved anyone as much as I love him, and it hurts to think that ‘that love’ needs to come to an end. It hurts when something good ends, but I think it hurts even more to still cling to it, knowing it’s not there. I’ve had enough. And I think it’s safe to say that I’m following what my head tells me this time.

I’ll miss you, J. Take care.

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CHOICE??!!

TWO

“I’ve come to believe that there are two reasons why people fall in love.

ONE: They meet their ideal person.

People have standards – expectations. They structure their “dream boy/girl” in their heads; and once they meet someone who fits the bill, they fall in love. Who doesn’t like having their expectations met? They painstakingly wait for that person. And after that person finds their way into their life, they realize, “it’s you. How perfect you are.”

This is how you fall in love normally

TWO: They get surprised.

People have “walls” and like having control over themselves; meaning that they are most likely not looking for love – they let it come to them. But one day, they meet someone. (Not necessarily for the first time. It could be someone they’ve known for a while and simply didn’t take notice him/her.) Said person does something – anything: sing, smile, make them laugh, a short walk together, etc. – and it hits them. It makes them doubt themselves, question certain things they stand for, making their “walls” crumble. They then ask, “Why do I care about you now?” The person might be the exact opposite of who they are – has values conflicting with theirs, follows a different conduct, and lives by a different system altogether. The person captures their heart in such an unusual way: by shattering who they once were, then renewing them. They are taken by surprise by someone out of their expectations. An interesting way to fall: complex and unexplainable, yet so simple.

This is how you fall in love beautifully.” 

Which one is yours?

TUMPAK…

THEY SAY SKY’S THE LIMIT. THEN HOW COME I CAN SEE STARS IN THE UNIVERSE?

Right after seeing that on tumblr I got really curious about stars so I did a small research about it. Looked for some facts lang on Google.

Until I found myself staring outside for minutes. I seriously looked out my window and just gaped at the sky, thinking why, exactly, do stars exist. (Maybe God thought they were really pretty!:) ) According to my research(naks!) If you tried to hitch a ride on the fastest spacecraft ever launched from Earth, it would still take you more than 70,000 years to get there from here. How come they’re million light-years away and yet they still look so beautiful? How come we can still see them shine even if they’re very far? (For you information, stars don’t twinkle. “Twinkling is not a property of the stars, but of Earth’s turbulent atmosphere. As the light from a star passes through the atmosphere, especially when the star appears near the horizon, it must pass through many layers of often rapidly differing density. Above the Earth’s atmosphere, stars do not twinkle.”) And also how come my friends knew about this and yet I don’t? How come their Natsci class covered about stars and mine did not? Puro savanna, animals, organisms ang natutunan ko sa Natsci! I want to know more about stars, who wouldn’t want anyway? They’re so interesting!! Things like this are worth learning for. Gusto ko tuloy maging astrologer, charot!

I want to spend some nights staring at the stars, lying on the grass, on the roof, down the beach or somewhere peaceful.. worrying about nothing. Ang saya saya ng gano’ng feeling, yung walang inaalala. Tranquil feeling. Much better sana kung with special someone. (A walk to remember just popped into my mind!)*sigh* I wish to find someone like Landon,

Someone who’ll do everything in my “Boyfriend bucket list”

Someone who’ll take every risk and effort just to be with me and just to make me happy

Someone who’ll love every bit of me

Someone who is afraid of losing me

Ad last (for this post) but not the least.. Someone who has the courage to ask my father before asking me out

Pero no, wala eh, wala pa sa ngayon.. guess I’m just gonna sit in a corner and cry until I found my own Landon Carter.

Galing no, nagshift yung topic from stars to Landon Carter. I just love everything about stars and A walk to remember, except the fact that stars don’t really twinkle. :(

TAMA..Ako gusto ko din ng flowers!!

“LOVE IS LIKE A FLOWER, YOU’VE GOT TO LET IT GROW.”

Our Philippine literature professor once told us about what kind of flowers people, particularly guys, should give their partners. Flowers are nice and beautiful which is why I suppose people give them to others, it gives good cheer and warm feeling to the recipient, but when you pick the flower, it dies.

Clearly, guys are used to buying bouquets for their loved ones as a gesture/symbol of appreciation, care or love. A set is ranging from 500-1000php, still depends on what kind of flowers you’re getting though.Receiving flowers is probably one of the best feelings for most girls, including me, a stem can surely and instantly bring smile to our faces. (but I’d rather get an artificial one. Since I’ve an actual fear of caterpillars. Which was actually Jake’s fault, he’s the reason why I start hating on authentic flowers. I tried to preserve the sunflower he gave me by putting it in a zip lock and placing it in my cabinet, few days later I found two caterpillars wriggling through my precious sunflower. I’ve decided to throw it away, masakit man sa puso, but I have to haha. Hindi ko na kering itago pa yun. I was actually kind of traumatized (lol), I dreamt of caterpillars for a week. As in yung tipong may caterpillars sa kama ko, sa cabinet ko..hinahaunt nila ko. WEIRD. Kaya everytime na makakahawak ako ng real flowers, mejo nappraning na ko..lol)

I’ve received two bouquets in my entire life, just two. One was during our prom (na preserve ko din for 3 years..damn three years)

and the other one, on ordinary day lang. I actually love randomly receiving something for no special occasion, ang cute kaya.

I also received a pot of ‘hindi-ko-alam-ang-pangalan-ng-bulaklak’ from the same guy. He knows I love yellow so much. No occasion din, gulat nalang ako he texted me to go out our house kasi may bibigay daw sya sakin. With matching mcdo pancakes pa yan, breakfast daw. Haha!

Going back, don’t you think a bouquet costs too much? Just for a bunch of flowers in a decorative wrap?

Why don’t you try giving your significant other something he/she can take care of, a potted flowerperhaps? Yung alive na alive pa, the gift that keeps giving. Since apparently, most people give it as a symbol of love. Mas dama kung ganon instead of bouquets, cause eventually those flowers will wilt and die.

Ganon din ba ang love nyo for them? Mawawala din soon? I bet not. (Unless you’re giving flowers for no reason at all.. as in AT ALL. Eh para ka palang tanga.) You don’t just simply give someone something kasi a.) wala lang b.) gusto mo lang c.) may maibigay lang. Think about the symbolism there. You can also give them dogs, kung may budget ka, or a stuffed animal. But a simple potted flower will do. Simple nga lang! Basta something na naalagaan, hindi yung ilalagay lang sa vase tapos iddispose din after two weeks..

Oh to those guys who are used to spending their money on an attractively arranged bunch of flowers, time to change your tactics. Go for something more meaningful. Mas bet yung ganon trust me. Just give her something that can last for a long time. Sabi nga ni pareng John Lennon..

“Love is like a flower, you’ve got to let it grow.” ❤

PS: Kung matigas ang ulo mo, at gusto mo talagang magbigay ng bouquet. Give her roses, but buy a synthetic rose and mix it with the real ones. Then attach a note saying “I will stop loving you when the last rose dies.” oh diba kahit corny yan, sure kilig si girl! Haha :)

 

 

Oo nga?

DO SOULMATES EXIST?

The popular notion of a soulmate meaning one person with whom you are destined to share your life.

Do they exist?
Do you believe in them?

I’m starting to believe it doesn’t. Which sucks, cause I used to believe that they do really exist. I’ve always thought about my soulmate; who is he, what’s his name, how does he look like; his eyes, his nose, his lips, his face. Mostly, I question God, have I already met him? Or do I already know him, or does he know me.

Sometimes, when people are in love, they tend to tell their selves that they have already met the one for them. But often times they’re wrong. Sometimes we idealize people/relationships and convince ourselves that we are in love, soul mates, whatever. But there are instances where something so remarkable happens that’ll make you realize that you are wrong. That what you have been thinking all along was wrong. You were wrong. You were wrong about this certain person. Then you tell yourself “maybe he/she’s not yet the one for me.” Then another person will come into your life, you fall in love, same thing happens, same line; “maybe he/she’s not yet the one for me.” And so on.. You think it’s magical and easy, but no. It’s tricky, because you don’t choose who you fall in love with (it is called falling in love for a reason) also, you don’t know who you are going to end up with. You don’t know anything about the future. Things change, as well as people and feelings. You may be happy and in love today, but you may also find yourself crying tomorrow.

Cause in reality; people fall in love quickly because they’re not thinking and seeing what is truly there.. truly. At some point some will say, certain people have changed. But the truth is, you just know/see who they really are. If you choose to stick with that person, care for them, be happy with them and still accept them for who they are no matter what happens (and vice versa) then that is love. Naks. And that’s what really matters.

Anyhow, the existence of “soul mates” is more a matter of belief. 😉 not everyone believes in it. But I do, I just don’t believe that there is only 1 though, but there are not millions either. There are probably a limited number of people whom you will “click” with on a soul level, people who are psychologically, socially, and sexually in sync, people with whom you share a deep emotional, spiritual connection but.. fortunately we end up with just one. In other words, you can love many times and ways, but there will be one, not like any other.

Personally, I believe that God has a specific person for us to marry and to spend the rest of our lives with. But then in the back of my mind, I think you can also learn to love anyone you know and be happy with them for the rest of your life IF you continue to work on your relationship with them.

This whole soulmate thing is confusing, maybe because I haven’t found mine yet. But one thing for sure;true love exists. Yun nalang. True love and soulmates go hand in hand, I must say. The one who will be with you no matter what until the day you die is your true love and your soulmate. Not all people are lucky enough to find theirs though. It’s rare but it’s precious and indeed a very very very beautiful thing.

EMOTIONS?!…

It’s not my own writing..I just read it in someone else’s blog. It’s just that I feel I can relate to what she’s feeling….

Happiness is self achievable– that is a fact. But I was never truly happy with my life. Don’t get me wrong, I am blessed for having such a comfortable lifestyle unlike others. But I feel like there is something I need but cannot obtain. I feel like there is something missing in me; at times, I feel totally empty. I have been needing love, attention, happiness and compassion my whole life. I cannot seem to understand why I am feeling this way.. I feel like there is too much sadness inside me and I cannot freely let go of it. I want to entirely open myself up to someone to be able to release whatever kind of heartache I’ve been holding on for so long. I have tried; I have tried to free myself from the sorrow that has always been in me but for some reason, it won’t seem to go away. I might me lucky/”blessed” for getting the things that I want, but I’m quite unfortunate when it comes to the things that I need.

It’s funny and amazing how things have turned in a span of months. A lot of things have changed in my life. This piece I have written five months ago made me think how “miserable” I thought my life was back then. And thinking about it at this time, I realized that my life is not as “miserable” as I thought it was. With all the good things that is happening to me right now, I’ve noticed how I began to shrug off the bad and the sad things that used to dampen my spirit most of the time. It’s nice when things change in a good way; I’d say I am very lucky to be experiencing such great joy compared before– and I could’t be thankful enough.

I was actually thinking… “What if none of these ever happened?” What if I am still the same old low-spirited girl? What if I am still dealing with constant desolation? How many more sad compositions would I write to realize that there are so many things in this world to be happy about? It’s nice that I am finally experiencing happiness and contentment now– I am so blessed with everything that’s coming my way and I seriously could not ask for more– but one thing for sure, I will never forget how often I wallow in self-pity and how sad I was before.

P.S. Stay happy, self.

Credits to Ms. Maine Mendoza, the owner of these words…