I take care of the house. Put away all the laundry. Plan dinner. Keep Kate happy. Take time to blog. Write. Think about me and my path.
And some days I don’t do well.
I’m fed up with motherhood by 10:00 a.m. Don’t go to the grocery or plan a dinner for several nights in a row. I can’t keep up with the house, my wood floors speckled with goldfish cracker crumbs, crayon wrappers, sippy cups. There’s no time for me. No thinking space. No self-care. No writing, socializing, centering.
Those days are my dark days. When I enter the what-am-I-doing and I’m-a-terrible-mother-wife-dog owner-person spiral.
But I know I can do better. It’s just going to require a lot of putting myself out there, a good deal of faith in the process, and a whole lot of self love.
I’m taking small steps here and there to get back to the Sarah I knew before marriage and motherhood and grown up responsibilities that came on fast and furious.
I thought back to what I love to do, pre-everything.
And how I could put all those parts together into something that was workable for me as a mother, me as a wife, and me, as, well, me.
So I started putting a little plan into motion that got me back to my writing roots. In January I started pitching publications with story ideas. I started taking my writing craft seriously. Got deeper into blogging. Went to my first blogging conference.
I also want to work on this part of me that longs to connect, share with others. Motherhood, while a lot of things, is a lonely enterprise. So I thought about what else I loved, and realized it was right in front of me. I’ve been taking group fitness classes for years. But I never thought about actually teaching group fitness. When the thought first crept into my mind, I thought, no way, no way could I get up in front of a group of people and lead a class.
But then I thought, why not me? So without giving myself time to think too hard, I signed up for a step aerobics training, spent a weekend stepping my heart out, and received the highest score possible, advancing myself onto the next round in the process.
All these things are wins. The writing. The conferences. The training. The tiny plan I had that snowballed into more than I thought I could ever acheive at this phase in my life.
But even when I feel I’m making strides, that crisis feeling pervades my thoughts.
Is this path finally the right path?
How will I know?
I think I am figuring things out…but am I really?
What if things don’t work out?
What if all this is a big mistake?
What if I fail?
What if, what if, what if?
Even though I’ve created a plan and set the wheels in motion to get back to my identity and myself, I still feel cautious, timid about where I’m headed. I’m not completely confident in myself and what I need to do. And I struggle to even share and rejoice in what I’ve accomplished so far. I barely manged to squeak out this post because I hesitate to put my big goals and acheivements out there for fear I’ll end up on my face the next day.
But then I thought, hey, isn’t that why I’m here, at Stratejoy? To share and learn and be supported through this quarterlife crisis? So I can share all those good things I’m working on and get support when I’m feeling stuck and low on confidence.
Over the next five months, I’ll share those good things and those not-so-good things. How I’m managing to take care of myself admist motherhood and marriage. My progress on my writing goals. And my process of becoming a group fitness instructor. But above all, I hope to find that confidence I lost when all my major life transitions landed me in unfamiliar and often uncomfortable territory.
I’m really into fresh starts. And I believe we can all have a fresh start anytime we want it. So I’m declaring a fresh start. And I hope you’ll join me.