Recently it’s been more fun in the mornings. People are smiling when I walk to and from my stop. People are smiling at me.
And I only just realized it’s because I’m the one smiling first.
For the first time in a very long time, I have the confidence to say that I am truly happy. I’m happy with who I am as a person, who I’ve become in the past six months and who I am in this very exact moment. I smile a lot more lately and express myself more too.
These passions of mine, these interests and outlets, have shaped and polished me to be more, well, ME.
I’m desperately trying not to fuck this up. I have a job. I have a life. I have confidence. I can do anything and everything. And the best part about it is that I know it’s from my Quarterlife Crisis and how I chose to deal with it. In the past, certain ideas and limitations about who I should be or what I should be doing with my life bogged down and hindered my confidence to truly believe in myself and believe that I am worth it.
I am worth it. Sometimes it feels like a switch or a light bulb spurted to life in my soul and the world somehow recognized it. I used to think of myself as someone plain in all aspects. I never gave myself credit with my wants, desires and dreams. I hid from the world and lived just enough to fulfill a basic existence without risking anything new or even true.
I don’t know why I’m reflecting so heavily right now.
It’s insane how happy I am. Who knew you could reach those dark crevasses in life without a traditional plan and still come out rosy on top? The unknown always symbolized a frenzied panic in me. This uncontrollably entity was something I always chased and never caught.
I can’t pinpoint exactly when or where life for me became something ideal. It’s most certainly ideal now, and perhaps not meant to always be, but I am strong enough and smart enough to know when I have a good thing going and appreciate the hell out of it.
Having this QLC forced certain unknowns to be present and while I still get that panicked tickle in my stomach or that rush of blood throughout my body, I smile and let that light bulb slowly flicker on to brighten my day.