Confession: I’m terrified of falling in love. Again.
I have avoided serious relationships over the last three years for exactly this reason.
I fall hard and fast. I put myself out there because I believe it’s the only way to truly be loved by someone.
But when you give someone your heart and they rip it out and shatter it into a million tiny pieces, it forces you to never want to fall in love again.
It’s been almost three years since a man, who I was convinced was my soul mate, shattered my heart. I spent nearly two years trying to mend it back together, trying to convince myself that we could be friends, and trying to pretend like I was just fine. Except, we couldn’t be friends, and I wasn’t ‘just fine.’ I was damaged and broken and it was [mostly] his fault. It took me a long time to finally realize what I’m worth, what I deserve, and how toxic that relationship was.
Are we ever really ‘just friends’ with our exes?
Over time, I stitched the wounds back together and I gave myself the chance to get back in the [dating] game. But sometimes dating in a big city, like Philadelphia, just downright sucks. Not only are you competing for a man’s affection, but you’re competing against the other single ladies in the city.
I gave it a shot, though. I put myself out there, balls to the
face wall, and dated [another] man I met through hockey. After a month and a half of dating, I got burned. I allowed myself to become vulnerable to a man – telling him my darkest secrets and my deepest fears – and he still managed to get the best of me. He pushed me into that infamous ‘friend zone’ and I felt like someone had punched me in the ovaries repeatedly, as hard as they could.
It wasn’t his fault; his intentions were genuine. In fact, looking back on it now, he did the right thing by being brutally honest with me about his dating trend because we’ve built a better friendship around it, but that experience still left a scar.
I moved out of the country because I was tired of the crappy dating experiences. I was tired of the games, the rejections, the lies, and getting burned over and over. I was tired of dating someone and having them run away the second I mentioned I had cervical cancer. I was sick of the constant pity party when I confessed that my parents are deceased.
I came to Prague in search of a way to find inner peace and resolution, but a bigger part of me moved out of the country because I need to find a way to love myself before I can allow a man to love me.
I gave this a shot. I spent five weeks living in Prague, trying to find answers to those painful questions I’ve been avoiding. Am I really happier here? Did I really do this for the right reasons? I even grew a crush on a
boy man while I was here – and perhaps it has potential – but I just can’t stay. Because if I stay in Prague, I’m staying for all of the wrong reasons, and I owe it to myself to do this right – to discover what it means to live passionately and to find a way to really fall in love with my life.
My intention was to stay in Prague for a year, but in a couple weeks I’ll be heading to Thailand to teach English to students at a summer school. Six months ago, I never imagined I’d be living in Prague, getting certified to teach English. One month ago, I never even considered teaching in Asia so soon. Right now, I can’t believe that I’ll soon be living and teaching in a third world country.
As Cee Lo Green would sing, “Ain’t that some shit.”
Life is so crazy sometimes.