quit playing games with my heart

Written by Katharine // Filed under All Posts, Career + Business, Katharine, Love + Relationships + Sex, Quarterlife Crisis, Season 4, Travel + Adventure

Confession:  I’m terrified of falling in love.  Again.

I have avoided serious relationships over the last three years for exactly this reason.

I fall hard and fast.  I put myself out there because I believe it’s the only way to truly be loved by someone.

But when you give someone your heart and they rip it out and shatter it into a million tiny pieces, it forces you to never want to fall in love again.

It’s been almost three years since a man, who I was convinced was my soul mate, shattered my heart.  I spent nearly two years trying to mend it back together, trying to convince myself that we could be friends, and trying to pretend like I was just fine.  Except, we couldn’t be friends, and I wasn’t ‘just fine.’  I was damaged and broken and it was [mostly] his fault.  It took me a long time to finally realize what I’m worth, what I deserve, and how toxic that relationship was.

Are we ever really ‘just friends’ with our exes?

Over time, I stitched the wounds back together and I gave myself the chance to get back in the [dating] game.  But sometimes dating in a big city, like Philadelphia, just downright sucks.  Not only are you competing for a man’s affection, but you’re competing against the other single ladies in the city.

I gave it a shot, though.  I put myself out there, balls to the face wall, and dated [another] man I met through hockey.  After a month and a half of dating, I got burned.  I allowed myself to become vulnerable to a man – telling him my darkest secrets and my deepest fears – and he still managed to get the best of me.  He pushed me into that infamous ‘friend zone’ and I felt like someone had punched me in the ovaries repeatedly, as hard as they could.

It wasn’t his fault; his intentions were genuine.  In fact, looking back on it now, he did the right thing by being brutally honest with me about his dating trend because we’ve built a better friendship around it, but that experience still left a scar.

I moved out of the country because I was tired of the crappy dating experiences.  I was tired of the games, the rejections, the lies, and getting burned over and over.  I was tired of dating someone and having them run away the second I mentioned I had cervical cancer.  I was sick of the constant pity party when I confessed that my parents are deceased.

I came to Prague in search of a way to find inner peace and resolution, but a bigger part of me moved out of the country because I need to find a way to love myself before I can allow a man to love me.

I gave this a shot.  I spent five weeks living in Prague, trying to find answers to those painful questions I’ve been avoiding.  Am I really happier here?  Did I really do this for the right reasons? I even grew a crush on a boy man while I was here – and perhaps it has potential – but I just can’t stay.  Because if I stay in Prague, I’m staying for all of the wrong reasons, and I owe it to myself to do this right – to discover what it means to live passionately and to find a way to really fall in love with my life.

My intention was to stay in Prague for a year, but in a couple weeks I’ll be heading to Thailand to teach English to students at a summer school.  Six months ago, I never imagined I’d be living in Prague, getting certified to teach English.  One month ago, I never even considered teaching in Asia so soon.  Right now, I can’t believe that I’ll soon be living and teaching in a third world country.

As Cee Lo Green would sing, “Ain’t that some shit.”

Life is so crazy sometimes.

– See more at: http://www.stratejoy.com/2011/04/quit-playing-games-with-my-heart/#sthash.1bCGv0v8.dpuf

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